


The Kindest Thing to do is say Goodbye

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, tw: anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24805969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: When Chimney overhears half a conversation between Maddie and her brother, he decides he has to leave.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12
Collections: Madney One-Shots





	1. Chapter 1

“I don’t know if I can do it anymore.”

He doesn’t mean to overhear, but Maddie had been on the phone to her brother for over an hour and he wanted to say goodbye before he leaves for work. The words continue to repeat in his mind over and over again, his chest heavy, the imaginary knife in his stomach twisting. She doesn’t want to be with him anymore, he’s too much, he’s too much for any one person to handle. He knows that.

It’s why he’s spent most of his life pretending to be someone else, because he knows no one will want him for the person he truly is. He had shown Maddie the real him, he had gotten too comfortable, so he doesn’t blame her for not wanting him anymore. He barely wants him anymore, sometimes. Not when the anxiety is pulsating through his body and all he can think of is everything that can go wrong, of all the things he’s done wrong.

Maybe she’s had to calm his spiralling thoughts down one too many times. Maybe she’s realised he’s not the father she wants to their unborn child. Maybe she’s finally realised that he’s simply not good enough for her. First Hen is leaving him, it only makes sense that Maddie would follow. Everyone leaves in the end.

He sneaks out before she can get off the phone, making the executive decision to phone in sick to work, formulating a plan in his head as he paces around the park nearest to their apartment building. Everyone always leaves – his dad first, then his mother, then every girlfriend he had since, Kevin, the Lee’s even left him for a period of time because they couldn’t stand to look at him, then an endless list of colleagues, ending with Hen before eventually, Maddie. Maddie and their unborn baby who both deserved the world and he couldn’t even give them a small piece of it.

It’s the nicest thing to do, to leave her before she can leave him. To take the decision away from her, it’s the final act of kindness he can offer the woman he loves so much. It’s a lifetime away from where they had been a few nights ago, planning the future as they spoke about their unborn child, dreaming up various scenarios as they imagined what he or she would look like, what kind of parents they would be. Had she already decided she had enough of him then? Was she already planning her escape?

He angrily wipes at the tears that fall down his face, taking one last look around the apartment, happy memories suddenly replaced by the impending sense of doom he’d always had about his relationship with Maddie. He always knew there’d be a day when she realised she deserved someone who could give her so much more than he ever could.

Leaving her is just one last act of love he can muster within himself to provide her. So it’s exactly what he does, suitcase in hand, silent tears falling down his pale face, only wishing he could have been a stronger, more deserving, better version of himself.

* * *

The apartment is silent when she walks in, which is unusual because she knows Chimney isn’t on shift that evening. Usually, when she walks in it’s to the scent of food, and the sound of the television as he eagerly dishes up whatever he’s cooked or brought home with him that day. It’s their routine, so it’s the first sign that something isn’t quite right when she shuts the door behind her.

The entire place is in darkness, but she still calls his name anyway, perhaps he had a bad day at work and was just relaxing. But there’s a feeling in the pit of her stomach that she just can’t seem to shake as she walks through the apartment. “Baby?” Still nothing, not in the bathroom, not in the bedroom, not anywhere.

She knows, she just knows something isn’t right and she can’t explain it as she looks down at her phone, expecting to see a text from him explaining himself but there’s nothing. Maddie can’t explain why the tears slip down her cheeks as her bottom lip trembles, but something is wrong. She doesn’t know what, but the apartment feels empty.

It’s another five minutes before she realises why it feels empty in the first place. Because it is. Or at least, emptier than it had been when she left for work that morning. Her first clue is when the photo he keeps of himself, the Lees and Kevin on the cabinet in the dining room is gone. Which leads her immediately to the bedroom, only to open a half-empty closet and she knows that he’s gone. He’s left her.

Her first instinct is to ring him, but of course, he doesn’t answer. So, she rings again. And again. And again. Until he must have over fifty missed calls popping up on his phone that he keeps sending to voicemail. It’s only on the last attempt that she leaves one, unable to hold back the sobs as she does, “I don’t understand what’s going on, Howie but… I’m home and you’re not and your stuff is gone. Please, please, baby, please…” She’s cut off by the beep, leaving her fingers hovering over the call button once more until she throws her phone, only slightly relieved when it lands on the bed and not against the wall as she had fully intended.

It’s only there for a minute before she’s grabbing it again, quickly typing out ‘is Chimney with you?’ to Hen, and then to Buck, to Eddie, to Bobby, to Albert only for each one to shoot back a no, one after the other, feeling like a stab to the heart with each ding of the phone. It’s only Hen she texts back, her best hope at finding Chimney, telling her that he’s left her, all of his stuff is gone. And she watches the little speech bubble pop up to indicate she’s typing, before it disappears, reappears, and then disappears completely.

Of course, she didn’t expect comfort from his best friend, she didn’t expect her to tell her anything but maybe just knowing he was okay, and that maybe he would come back. Maybe that would have been enough to quell the pain in her chest right then.

A shaking hand moves to her stomach, trying to tell herself to calm down, to think of her unborn child. But then, she supposes, Chimney wasn’t thinking of their baby when he walked out of the apartment without so much as a note, or a warning. There had been no argument, no logical reason as to why he would suddenly decide to leave her. But he did decide, and she finds herself questioning every single moment, wondering when he decided to go – he wasn’t impulsive, most of his decisions were thought through, especially the big ones that would have a profound impact.

Him leaving her and their unborn child was definitely a profound impact.

Maddie doesn’t know how long it’s been before she hears Hen’s voice calling through the quiet apartment, but she doesn’t move from her position on the floor, sitting up against the bed as she just stares at the open doors of the closet, knowing his clothes should be where they belonged. The tears are still falling but the sobs have subsided, feeling the exhaustion in every part of her body, her heart heavy and her eyes so wanting to close.

Hen’s voice is closer, but she still doesn’t look up, “D-did he send you?”

“No, I haven’t heard from him, I’m here for you, Maddie.” She feels the woman sitting down next to her, before an arm easily wraps around her shoulders and she longs to move away but right then, the comfort of another person is all she craves. Her entire world has come crashing down around her. Everything she is feeling is only comparable to one moment in her entire life – the first time Doug hit her. The overwhelming sadness, the anger, shock… betrayal. Chimney promised her, he had promised her so many times that he would never hurt her – but this, this felt worse than anything she had ever felt before.

Because she had been blindsided.

It takes a moment before she snuggles into Hen’s side, and eventually, the devastating loss returns to the surface in a series of wails and sobs, her hand clinging tightly to Hen’s shirt as she does so. “I-I d-don’t… understand… w-what…” She can’t breathe, there’s a pressure on her chest, scrambling for air. “M-must have d-done something, must h-have…”

Her throat is tight, and she feels Hen’s warm body practically yanking away from hers, only to move in front of her. “H-hates me, h-he h-hates me…”

“No, Maddie, Chimney could never hate you. I need you to breathe for me, please honey, think of the baby. Breathe with me, Maddie.” She can hear her, she can feel hands on her face, trying to pull her head to look up at her but she can’t focus on anything other than the fact he’s gone.

“G-gone, c-can’t do this… a-alone.”

“No, hey, listen to me – if he’s gone, he’ll be back and… you’ll never be alone. There’s so many people who love you, you’re not alone.” There’s a desperation in her voice, an undertone of complete panic as she tries to pull Maddie back from the spiral she’s fallen into. “Just breathe for me, big breaths, Maddie and then I’ll find him, okay? I’ll drag him back here and I’ll make sure if he’s going to hurt you like this, he at least does it to your face, okay?” Hen knows her best friend, she knows all the places he would hide, she knows how to guilt trip him enough to get him home, where they both want him.

“Doesn’t w-want m-me.” The words are stammered out, her breathing still heavy, her face still pained but Hen can feel her body relaxing ever so slightly. Hen knowing anything she says right then will only fall on deaf ears, instead, focusing on taking deep breaths in the hopes Maddie will follow along.

She doesn’t know where he is, but she’s sure she’s going to kill him when she does find him.


	2. Chapter 2

The guilt overwhelms in a way it never has before. He’ll never forgive himself if anything happens to their baby because of him. He had left her but… he hadn’t left their unborn child; he would never repeat history int hat way. It was Maddie who deserved better, but he knew more than anything that he could be a better dad than his. Not that the bar was really set that high but… he _could_ be better, he _could_ stick around in a way no parent ever did for him. Not that he blames his mother, she wouldn’t have left him if she had a choice. But it still hurts that she had to leave.

He reads the text over and over again and it doesn’t make sense because if the baby was born now, then she’d be gone and he’d never get the chance to prove to himself that he could be that good dad he’s always hoped he would be. But even when he goes over the words in his head, he knows Hen wouldn’t lie to him and if she did, it would be for a _good_ reason. A reason enough to make him walk through the door of the apartment he had only left hours before.

“You came back.”

Hen’s voice makes him jump, before his eyes settle on his best friend, standing there in the complete darkness of the kitchen with a glass of water in her hands. “I knew you were lying…”

“That’s a risk I was willing to take to get you here. Back where you belong, Chimney. What the hell is going on because I’ve just held your sobbing, pregnant girlfriend until she managed to cry herself to sleep? I couldn’t give her any answers because you never—you never spoke to me. I’m your best friend and I didn’t know you were planning on leaving.” Her voice cracks and the self-hatred he was already feeling intensifies, looking at her before he shakes his head.

“It wasn’t really planned.”

“That’s all you have to say?”

“No. I just… she was going to leave me and I just… I’m fed up of being left, Hen so I thought maybe it would hurt less if I walked out the door. I thought I could save her the decision.” It’s not the first time Hen has looked at him as though he’s stupid, he’s made a lot of idiotic decisions in the past, a lot of decisions he had come to regret. A lot of decisions she had told him he would regret.

“I thought maybe, it would be better for me to go. I know her, I know her well enough that she would feel guilty and I-I just… j-just, I don’t know—”

When she’s stepping towards him, he half expects a hug, he most definitely does not expect the slap she delivers across his cheek. There’s a sympathetic look on her face as she does, lulling him into a false sense of security before his own hand flies to his stinging cheek in shock. “You’re an idiot, you’re my best friend and I love you but you are the biggest idiot sometimes. That woman _loves_ you, she worships the damn ground you walk on.”

He wants to believe her, he really does, but he can’t shake those words, he can’t shake that never-ending feeling of just not being good enough for her. “S-she deserves better.”

“You’re right. She does deserve better than this but that just means you need to _do_ better, Chimney, it doesn’t mean you’re not exactly what she deserves and needs.”

He opens his mouth to respond, to tell her that he doesn’t think he will ever be what she needs, but they’re both startled by the addition of a third voice, “H-Howie?”

Chimney had spent a lot of his life hating himself, doubting himself and wishing he could just be a better version of himself. But when he looks at her, leaning up against the wall, eyes red and face blotchy, there’s a stab of pain he can’t describe. “You left… y-you p-promised you’d…” He beats Hen to it, taking the few steps to close the gap between them. He wants to hold her, but he hesitates, he’s the reason she’s crying in the first place.

“You said… you didn’t know if you could do it anymore. I-I thought—” He doesn’t get the chance to finish his sentence when Maddie reaches for his hand.

“To Buck? I was…. I wasn’t talking about you, Chim, I was… t-talking about my morning sickness. I was just… tired and cranky from being up all night and, w-why would you just… assume I was… I-I would… never… I-I don’t understand why you would…”

He’s desperate to give her the answers she wants but he doesn’t have them. He can’t explain to her why sometimes, he feels as though there’s nothing in the world he can do that is simply enough to deserve someone as amazing as her in his life. He’s never loved anyone as much as he loves her and it’s just as terrifying as it is amazing. He loves her, he loves her so much that he’d leave her if that were what she wanted because she’s everything to him.

“He’s an idiot.” Hen is the one to break the silence and he appreciates it, more than she can ever know, the honesty echoing through his head when he looks at his girlfriend, before he nods in agreement. “Because I’m an idiot.” He mumbles, until her arms wrap around his waist and she buries her face in his chest, a heartbroken sob falling from her lips.

“I’m sorry.” He knows it’s not enough to undo the damage he’s done in so little time, but she’s holding him as though he’s still her world, as though she’ll break if she lets go and his own arms reciprocate by pulling her closer. He only tilts his head back to mouth a thank you to Hen, for holding the love of his life when he couldn’t – or wouldn’t, for getting him back there when he had promised himself he wouldn’t, for slapping some sense into him.

When his lips fall to the top of Maddie’s head, his eyes close and he listens to the sound of her uneven breathing as she soaks his shirt, fingers wrapping tightly around the material. “I love you.”

“Can’t leave me again. If you love me, you can’t leave me again.” The way her voice sounds causes a pain in his chest, as though someone has just kicked him, hard. And he hates how she somehow grips onto him even tighter as though he’s going to disappear at any given second.

“I promise, Maddie, I’ll never… as long as you’ll have me, I’ll never leave.”

“Always want you.”

“Then I’ll always stay.”


End file.
